and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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