hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
