Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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