My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
