I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
