isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
