I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
