I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
