I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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