my phone needs a breathalizer
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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