After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I AM VODKA MAN
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
