I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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