my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
