She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
