at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
