Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize