well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
