I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
