My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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