i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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