Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
