So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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