you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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