I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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