I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
