i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
