Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
