I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
