girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
