Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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