Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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