hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
