Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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