Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
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