I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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