I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
