I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
