Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
