Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I fill condoms, not promises.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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