It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
