Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
