i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
