He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
