This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
