My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
