she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize