My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
