Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
