omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
