I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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