he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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