Acid is not a monday night drug
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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