Your face is a jimmy john
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize