I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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