Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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