I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
