i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
