if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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