Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Everclear isn't food dammit
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
